Renewal

For the first time in a long time, she'd diverted her phone calls. She rarely did so, even when she'd have fall outs in her previous relationships. Her friends would always encourage her to - "Don't be so available! Let him wonder where you are!"
'Haha,' she laughed pathetically to herself. 'If I divert my calls from now till the end of time, I know that I'm gonna be the one wondering where he is.'
It had been too long, in fact, that she had to call Zain's service center and ask the polite man on the other end of the line what the MissU number was. He seemed worried about the warble in her voice, but it was hard to fight the tears that she knew so well were coming. "Ya36eek il3afya," she said.
She quickly punched the number into her beat-up phone and watched as the hypnotic blue line requested the divert. "Diverts activated," she read with a sigh.

Tucked under the warmth of her Classic Rose Cath Kidston sheets, she let her head loll back against her baby pink pillows. She reached her arms out for the only beige pillow from the set, the one she'd deliberately chosen to name after him. It was the lumpiest and most uncomfortable pillow to sleep on, but she felt so secure when she hugged it late at night, in the midst of her joys, fears, and cloudy thoughts.
Wrapping her arms around the lumpy cotton pillow, she whispered his name. A single tear trickled down her cheek, beckoning more tears before it settled as a wet drop in the flimsy pillowcase. 'I miss you.. I love you so much.."

Her phone beeped continuously with messages. Some were from MissU, while the rest were from random people. Where was he? Why isn't his name lighting up the screen like it used to? Through her blurred vision, she picked up her phone and typed a short and quick message to him. She hadn't done so in a while; not since the time he cut her off with his angry words. His voice still resounded in her head - words of rage, words of love, his laughter.. She even remembered the way he'd greet her on the phone. His "Aloo" was so distinct, and it made her smile every time.

"i miss u so much.. Gnite.."

The beeps continued; people she didn't feel like talking to at all were messaging her with their petty small talk and useless gossip. Message after message was received, and with every vibration she prayed that his name would be among them. But ultimately, her mind told her that what she did was a huge mistake and that he wouldn't reply, leaving her with more pain and the hurt of rejection. That was when the phone beeped for the last time that night.

"Me 2"

The tears seemed to dry instantly, tightening her cheeks as they elevated into a smile - the first genuine smile that day. She kissed her phone screen, salty with tears, and re-read the two-word message at least 20 times before realizing their magnitude, albeit their small size. He missed her "so much", too. She wasn't standing alone in the middle of a battlefield, and she knew that there was someone out there - the someone she wanted and loved - that missed her and needed her.

Her vision book, the book that used to be her favorite, sat patiently on her bedside table. It's been a while since she'd looked through it and visualized her dreams, but her dreams were once shot and the book became nothing but a painful reminder of the dreams she couldn't achieve. She picked it up and gingerly opened it to the front page, tracing her finger along his name, picture, and the beautiful poetry he'd once dedicated to her. Sometimes we forget that the heart is stronger. You can live brain dead, but you can't survive without a heart. It was all coming back, and something inside her told her so.

Wow...

Seriously.. It's been a while, huh?
*dusts this blog off*
First of all let me say that you guys are the best fans/readers/supporters/friends anyone could ever ask for.. It wasn't easy at ALL leaving this blog alone. Thoughts and sayings and phrases clouded my brain everywhere I went and all I could think of was "I should blog about this!". But I couldn't. Everything was hard for me, and it still is.
I may be great at giving advice, but like most of us, I'm not good at taking it. I can't take my own advice and I have tremendous difficulty taking other peoples' advice. Why? Just because my heart is louder than my brain sometimes... No. All the time.
The reason why I stopped is because one of the best people that had come along in my life left. My inspiration was gone and still is. And I fought for days, weeks, now months on end to bring him back but all my efforts were futile and only hurt me more when I was pushed away. But I'm still fighting. I promised that I would never give up on him and I'm not, no matter how far he is, no matter how much it hurts, even if he's moved on or not.
I still believe in love and you all should too, and when you lose someone DON'T GIVE UP on them. Give yourself hope and maybe one day the universe will smile back at you and bring him back your way. I'm still smiling on the outside and fighting on the inside. It's not easy, especially when there's a world of an audience watching, waiting for the next move from my end or his end. Funny thing is, I'm sitting front row center. I feel like I'm not me, and I tell my friends this all the time. No one really gets it, but I'm sure someone out there feels that way too.
It's not easy to smile. It's not easy to sleep. It's not easy to eat. It's not easy to write. And it's not easy to love. But I'm trying.
If you ever come across this page one day, by accident, on purpose, and read it and know that I'm talking about you, I want you to know that I love you and that I've never stopped and that I never will stop, no matter where life takes us, and that no one in this world will love you the way I do.
I'll be back very soon :* I love you all..